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Butch is Missing!

Posted on 2010.01.29 at 07:48
Current Location: work
Current Mood: worriedworried
Current Music: "Totally Fucked"
Tags: , ,
Cat went out Wednesday morning before my haircut appointment and I haven’t seen him since. Hoping he just is stuck in someone’s garage and hasn’t been eaten by a fox of run over. It’s not like him to stray, especially since it snowed a bit yesterday and has been cold. Damn cat! I don’t need anymore sorrow in my life; Star is going to be bad enough.

They’re the same age: 16 years old. I can’t remember who we got first, the gray tiger striped kitten or the tiny Boston terrier with the big ears. But we got them just months apart.

I blew off dog training on Monday. Made the mistake of going to bed when I got home and when the alarm went off 90 minutes later, I couldn’t make myself get up. I shoulda just snoozed on the couch with my clothes on. I actually think that I couldn’t get up because I hadn’t been working with Reggie enough. Every time he’s in a fight I feel guilty, but it sure doesn’t seem to get me up and working with him. I need to be working with both the boys, Jojo, too. He’s the one who seems to start the scuffles between the two of them.

But Reg keeps getting into fights with other dogs when Bill has him out and about.

I talked to one of the gals at Curves who consulted a pet “intuitive” about her dogs. She was impressed. I’m actually thinking about popping for the $40 for a 30-min consult. What do I have to lose except for $40?

Long-Tall Terry came over Wednesday after my hair appointment. We went through the house room by room and she made of list of everything that needed to be done and then prioritized it. Is coming up with a game plan for my vacation which starts Sunday.

I feel a lot better about our ability to get things done and get the house ready for her to move in. I have such amazing friends!

One of the guys at work has asked me to trade my March vacation with him and I really don’t want to. His vacation is in September, and if I do that, I won’t have another vacation until the end of July. That’s an awfully long time.

But he wants it because he has a chance to go see his kid during spring break.

Told him I’d have to see how much we get done on this vacation. God! The guilt!

Later on this morning (it’s currently around 3 a.m.) I’m going to go look at a couple of cars. Angi & Bill are going with me. John told me to go ahead and use my car for a trade-in if I need to. I guess I’ll decide when they tell me how much…if it’s a couple of thousand I’d go for it and John’s on his own, but if it’s only a few hundred, then it’s not really worth it and John can have the Nissan.

That’s assuming I’ll want to buy one of these cars we’ll be looking at.


Gov. Ritter is proposing taxing candy and soda to help increase state revenues. The Republicans are calling this “inequitable, regressive and nannyish.” Okay, I’ll buy nannyish, but what’s inequitable or regressive about it?

In France, there’s a law pending that says all public services, such as mass transit and post offices, are off-limits to Muslim women wearing face-covering veils. Veils are seen “as a gateway to extremism and an attack on gender equality and secularism.” As much as I agree with the sentiment and dislike the Muslim religion (which I freely admit I am abysmally ignorant of, but hey, I’m not really fond of the religion I grew up in either!), it sure does go against my American freedom of religion upbringing. Glad I’m not French anyways.

And lastly, in New Zealand, a German collector of reptiles was stopped from boarding an overseas flight because he was found with “44 geckos and skinks in a hand-sewn package concealed in his underwear.” 44 geckos in his shorts!!!!

And that’s the news!

unBirthday Party

Posted on 2010.01.26 at 22:17
Current Location: home
Current Mood: relievedrelieved
Tags: , ,
Grandson's 11th unbirthday party (birthday is tomorrow) at his other grandmas was nice. Lots of good food. Unfortunately stepson and grandson were just in a car accident and both of them had seat-belt bruises. Stepson's car is totaled.

His ex is getting a divorce! Had her new guy there—very nice and doesn’t seem as young as she normally goes—along with both of her ex's…ex-husband (my stepson) and soon-to-be-ex-husband. Weird.

Grandson seemed to like Hubbie's Army uniform. We all got a little teary-eyed. And the uniform almost fit! Hubbie was really a little guy.

The day at E's was long and boring. She really needs to get some more friends. Actually, she needs to get on line and connect with fans so she has someone to discuss programs with. She watches things neither A nor I watch, and she insists on going into extreme detail telling us about her programs. So lonely. Her family sucks.

Back on Track

Posted on 2010.01.25 at 14:56
Current Location: home
Current Mood: determineddetermined
Tags: , ,
I’ve kinda gotten derailed as far as my 2010 goals & achievements are concerned, but it’s a new day and a new week and I’m going to get back on track, beginning with this entry.

Talked to both ex brother in law and ex mother in law Sunday evening. B-i-L called me to tell me that grandson's birthday celebration has been moved to M-i-L's. Stepson was supposed to call, but of course no one really thought that he would. Then B-i-L put M-i-L on the phone and we talked for quite some time.

Stepson never tells me anything, the bum (so much like his dad!). Seems that M-i-L had cancer of the esophagus (like Uncle L) only she caught it early and is okay so far. It’s what triggered her becoming a Jehovah’s Witness.

On Friday, Hubbie's sister and I and Auntie L went to funeral services for two of Hubbie's cousins…actually one viewing and one funeral…different parts of town, same time.
The viewing was in Aurora and was for RM. Sister said she grew up with him and they even hung out together when they were younger. The funeral was for JG. I really liked him. He called several times after Hubbie died to check on me. And he was dying of cancer all that time. Made me sad.

Sister B came to the funeral. It was very weird to see her. A very hard day…very little sleep.

This coming weekend is going to be busy. Get off work at 7, go home, deal with dogs and then go work out—we have to go 4 times this week to get our 12 workouts in—because we didn’t go Saturday because I was too tired from all Friday’s goings on.

Then the first of the group dog training at 10. Then home to do some cleaning and find Hubbie's uniform for Grandson’s birthday on Tuesday (birthday’s actually Wednesday, but the family dinner is Tuesday).

Tuesday we start by working out (2 or 4) then on to E’s. We’ll take 2 cars so I can go directly from E’s to M-i-L's since I’ll already be up north.

When I get home Tuesday night, I’m getting drunk.

Wednesday I’m getting my hair cut and colored, then Long Tall T's coming over to help me make a game plan for vacation and getting stuff ready for her to move in. Think I’ll call X to see if she wants to come over in the late afternoon or early evening and get into the hot tub.

Neighbor's are going up to Blackhawk on Wednesday (leaving me with all the dogs) and not coming back until Thursday.

I’m hoping that Monday afternoon I can motivate myself to get a lot done so I’m not totally embarrassed when Long Tall comes over. Not that she hasn’t seen my house, but she hasn’t really looked into what a mess the front (her) bedroom is and the basement.

And I have to clean the bathroom.

And make a decision about Star. Actually, the decision is made; it’s just a matter of WHEN. I keep hoping she dies in her sleep and I won’t have to do anything. I’m afraid Jessie will hate me.

Husband Dream

Posted on 2010.01.15 at 18:14
Current Location: home
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Tags: , ,
Wednesday, January 13, 2010

I opened this document when I woke up Wednesday after having a vivid and disturbing dream about Hubbie. I haven’t been able to write about it until now—Friday, January 15, 2010—it’s about 0300.

In the dream, I lived in a modern looking house, not my early century bungalow, and Hubbie was lying in state, sort of, on a plain bed under a gauze-like cover. He was dead, and that’s where we were keeping him. He was wearing oxygen tube (can’t think of what that’s called).
He started to wake up, and we—daughter and her girls—were all very agitated. I was holding him by the shoulders, trying to make him calm down and crying, not knowing how to tell him that he was dead. He looked dead, very thin and white, face very drawn. He kept moving, trying to sit up, and I held him, cuddling him and crying. It seemed that he was back alive, and all I could say was “Thank God I didn’t have you cremated.” (He was cremated.) At some point, he morphed into a monster, and the dream veered off into something else that I don’t remember. I was disturbed when I woke up, because hey! I did have him cremated (his wishes, btw).

Still, this was the first real Hubbie dream that I’ve had. I’ve had other dreams where he’s a peripheral character, like in the background, but nothing like this.

Later Wednesday, I got a card in the mail from SR telling me that his mom had died back in June—yet another death response from my Christmas letter. She was in her 80’s, but still, another friend who has died.

It was a rather useless weekend for the most part. I drank a bottle of wine and really felt it.

Monday I had to work 2 hours overtime, so I didn’t get home until after 9. Slept for an hour, then got up and got Reggie and me to the dog trainer. We worked on getting him riled up playing tug-o-war and then getting him to sit and release. Then when I got home, Neighbor A drove me to the mechanic (with Neighbor B in her car) to leave my car there for him to see what he could do with my damaged front end. He’d been trying to find a front end from a scrap yard with no luck. Car’s too old (12 years, a ’98). Anyway, we left it at his house to see what he could do.

Stopped at Wolfe’s for lunch. Boy, is that place different than what I remember. What a difference 34 years makes! Food was not bad, but the wine sucked.

Got home and slept a little bit more, got up and watched some TV…Chuck is what I remember. Don’t know what else I watched. Too tired to do anything constructive. Slept fitfully and finally got up around 2:30 and watched the season premiere of Chuck that I had taped Sunday.

Tuesday got up and went with Neighbor A to Curves, then off to E’s who had nothing for us to do and didn’t want to do any cleaning or sorting. She said she’d been dreading us wanting her to make any decisions about things and started to cry. Lord, I do not understand that woman. Or more honestly, yes I do understand her and it makes me nuts. Too close to home, I guess.

Ended up taking her to the bank and then going to lunch. It was after 5 when we got home. Amazing how exhausting doing nothing is. Had A stop by the liquor store so I could buy a bottle of wine. Uncorked it and met her and B in the hot tub. Watched some more TV and fell asleep on the couch…was in bed before 10:30.

Wednesday was going to be my day for getting things done, but I was hung over and spent most of the day on the couch. Met TDM at OSS for dinner. Cried a lot. He read me some of the poetry he’d been writing about his wife. I, again, drank too much wine. Went home and finished up the bottle. Was hung over Thursday most of the day.

A & B went to Blackhawk Wednesday to stay another night at Ameristar, so I had all 3 of my dogs plus Sassy. Juggled the boys between bedroom, the cage and the kitchen. Put Jojo and Sassy over next door when I went to meet TDM.

A & B got home about 4 on Thursday and we made plans to go to the mechanics to pick up my car. It turned into a car shuffle. D’s car had broken down, and he needed to borrow A’s car, which wouldn’t have been a problem except that Friday B had a doctor appointment and was getting his eyes dilated, so she had to drive him, which means she needed my car.

Of course, we couldn’t get a hold of the mechanic until almost 7. Drove ‘way East (past Tower road) to get my car, then had to go ‘way West to behind St. Anthony’s Central to leave A’s car with D. Got back home around 8, just in time to gather up my stuff and get to work.

The mechanic did as much as he could to the front end with screws and liquid nails, mostly the liquid nails. At least the headlights are no longer being held in by duct tape. Mechanic said I really needed to do some figuring on how much time, effort and money I wanted to put into a 12-year-old car. God! I do not want a car payment. Hubbie's life insurance enabled me to pay off all his credit cards, and I’m finally in a situation where I can actually pay all my monthly bills on time without shuffling around. Don’t want to be back in a situation where I have to choose which bill I’m going to pay with which paycheck. Crap.

I’m depressed and bothered and angry at myself. And the fucking dogs keep fighting!

And, I really have to make a hard decision about Star. She’s now starting to poop in her sleep. It’s bad enough the leaking, but now she’s leaving turds wherever she sleeps. And she seems so lost so much of the time. I think, “Yes, it’s time to have her put down” and then I hear Jessie’s voice saying, “oh no, we can’t do that.”

God damn I miss him!

Hope It's Quiet

Posted on 2010.01.10 at 18:53
Current Location: home
Current Mood: apatheticapathetic
Tags: , ,
Hope it’s quiet tonight. I want to read “Breathless” and work on my Quicken account to get that up to date. Want to maybe do some writing.

Last night was fairly busy. The warmer weather. A shooting. Think maybe a stabbing. Lots of crazy people. Lots of drunks.

Gina’s going to yell at me tomorrow…I haven’t worked with Reggie very much. I’m a bad dog mommy.

Very tired although I slept well. Just no energy. Not enough sleep in the world.
For Ursula:

Put ♥ this ♥ on ♥ your ♥ LJ ♥ if ♥ you ♥ know ♥ someone ♥ who ♥ has ♥ or ♥ had ♥ cancer! ♥ All I wish for in 2010 is a CURE! ♥ I pray for the cure of cancer.

Yes, friends and family: my father, my aunt, my stepkids’ mother…more, more, more…

And this is for me to remember:

Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful.


The Bastard of Istanbul

Posted on 2010.01.09 at 19:21
Current Location: home
Current Mood: groggygroggy
Tags: , ,
Had book group this morning and discussed this book. Like Neighbor A said, it’s better after discussing it than it was actually reading it! Very interesting, though, about a culture or cultures I know nothing about (Armenian & Turkish). My problem—and predjudice—is with names I can’t pronounce. If I can’t hear them in my head, I don’t remember who’s who.

The next book we’re reading is “Let the Great World Spin.” It’s set in New York, so I should be able to pronounce most of the names!

Last night was pretty slow for a Friday. I finished reading “Bastard,” started reading Koontz’s “Breathless” and got April & May reconciled in Quicken. Weather was nicer today so tght onimay be busier.

Ate dinner at Neighbor A's. She’s decided that she should cook me dinner on book group days so I have more time to sleep. They grilled lamb chops and I actually liked them. Didn’t think I liked lamb.

I’m still keeping the boys separate. Sure wish they’d stop the squabbling. Neighbor B said Reggie was pretty good today, although when they encountered any dogs, if Sassy growled at them, Reggie wanted to fight them. Guess it’s a matter of she starts it and he wants to finish it.

Tired. Only 5 hours of sleep. Well, I did nap for an hour or so when I first got home, before we went to work out and go to book group. Still, not enough.

Death Notices

Posted on 2010.01.08 at 19:44
Current Location: home
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Tags: ,
Weird weekend. The Christmas letter I sent to my stepmother came back as unable to forward. I told neighbor A and she went on Legacy.com and searched. Sure enough, we found an obit from Arizona that stepmom had died on Oct. 25. Weirdly, she was living in Denver at the time.
No one ever told me she was living in Denver. Don’t know why I’m surprised. I was a red-headed step-child when my dad was alive and married to her, why should now be different? Except that I have been sending her Christmas cards & letters for the last 40 years, and usually she replies. Think one of the step-sibs would have found my address adn thought to let me know.

Anyway, I got to thinking about Sadie, hubbie's mom, and how no one has been able to get in touch with her. Her Christmas letter had come back also. Sure enough, she died on Oct. 9. Doesn’t explain why sis-in-law wasn’t able to find her to tell her about hubbie's death. Such a weird family. That branch had everyone's phone info so they could’ve contacted us about any illness or death.

I was so angry when I was in my 20s and 30s…a lot of that stemming from the lack of contact with daddy’s family after he died in 72. No one called to see how I was doing or invited me to church or dinner or even responded to my holiday invitations. It was like I ceased to exist. I was only 19 at the time and could’ve really used family around. For the longest time I couldn’t figure out what was so wrong with me that there was no contact.

I later realized that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. Still made me angry.

Hubbie helped me get over a lot of that anger. His situation was so much worse and he had so much more reason to be angry, and he was. But it helped put my situation in perspective.
Intellectually, the anger and resentment is still there, but emotionally, I can’t get too riled up.

Their loss.

On a lighter note, I finally got to vote my 4th week of vacation. I start Jan. 31 through Feb. 6th. Hopefully I’ll be able to get a lot of the spare room cleaned out during that time. Neighbor A will help and TD, too, probably, maybe even draft X.

Slept spottily; up to go to the bathroom every hour or so. Finally got up around 4:30.
Tried a new recipe…a dieter’s version of Florentine Pasta. Pretty good. I’d give it 3 out of 5. May even make it again.

Worked out this morning and—damn!—was it cold. Ran into the book group gals. We’ll see them tomorrow for book group. And I’m almost done with the book—Bastard of Istanbul. Read all last night; didn’t take the laptop so besides the newspaper, that’s all I had to do when the phones weren’t ringing.

Can’t wait to finish. I got Koontz’s new book, Breathless, from the library. I’ll start that tonight.

Good Sleep

Posted on 2010.01.03 at 16:34
Current Location: home
Current Mood: chipperchipper
Tags: ,
I slept 6 hours! And only got up once!!! That’s unheard of. Maybe 2010 will be the Year of Good Sleep.

I want to point out that yesterday was one of those strange dates that reads the same forwards and backwards: 01022010. Funky.

Seems cooler today, but then, I didn’t get out of bed until 3 p.m. And I feel good. Cold really is mostly gone.

Work was quiet again last night. Sat next to DV and we talked a lot. She lost her husband 10 years ago, and is still devastated. Her brother and father died within that time frame, too, and her son was involved in a homicide last year. Things could be a lot worse for me. She’s been a great comfort.

I’m having problems downloading Quicken. Guess I’ll go back to the old fashion way and just enter the data. Should start doing that tonight. It’s gonna be real slow, I bet.
Need to make a Curves menu for the week and a shopping list tonight also. Coordinate it with the grocery store ads and coupons.

I started this last payday: taking $200 out for food, entertainment & meals out. Any money that’s left by he next payday, I put in an envelope or something and start saving for a new dining room table. I want a round oak table with lots of leaves so I can usually have just a small round table but that will expand if I want to feed a group.

Slow Night

Posted on 2010.01.02 at 17:25
Current Location: home
Current Mood: calmcalm
Surprisingly, Friday night was fairly slow. Guess all the heavy drinkers did their thing on NYE. We did have our first homicide of the year. So much for peace.

My cold is much better. Hardly any coughing today so far. Taking Zycam or Cold Ease really does help. Lots of people at work are sick and hacking.

Didn’t sleep quite as well as yesterday. Woke up every 2 hours to go to the bathroom. Middle-age bladder. Still, a good 5 hours. Fell asleep on the couch again for a little bit.

Finished reading Trial by Fire by J.A. Jance. Not one of her best, but okay mind candy. Started The Bastard of Istanbul. Think I’m going to like it. Good thing, because book club is Saturday.

Poor Reggie-dog had the poops this morning. I think he works himself into such a state that he makes himself sick. Seems fine now, though.

There’s an NCIS marathon on USA…not going to get as much done today I don’t think!

Neighbor A called saying they were getting into the tub. Marvelous. It’s only about 4:30, but getting dusk. Still above freezing. Lovely. I do believe the tub has helped my cold; all that good steam! Now to post and take a nap before work.

Happy New Year

Posted on 2010.01.01 at 15:14
Current Location: home
Current Mood: pensivepensive
Tags: , ,
For once, I was happy to be working on New Year’s Eve. No Hubbie, and it was a blue moon. He would have liked that. I wonder what movie he would’ve chosen to watch this year?

Before I started working 911 and having to be away on New Year’s Eve, we would watch “Casa Blanca” together. I’d be drinking wine—or in a few rare occasions would spring for a bottle of Cold Duck—and he’d have his diet Pepsi and pot. We’d usually order in a pizza.

He kept on watching “Casa Blanca” even after I was working that night. Last year he decided to expand and bought “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” to watch. Wonder what old romantic movie he’d have watched this year?

I’m sad, but I’m doing okay. This year, I’ve decided, is going to be about me.

Last night was busy, of course, but not bad. There’ve been worse. We had a ton of people—all the stations were filled—and that helped. Nobody died, I don’t think, so a good start to the year.

And that blue moon was gorgeous. It was still big and high when I drove home this morning.

Tonight will be busy—night 2 of a 3-day weekend and it’s warm; almost 40 degrees right now and the snow is melting. Tonight might be the violent night.

I haven’t made any resolutions per se, but I have narrowed down 5 areas of my life that I’m going to work on this year:

1. Writing
2. Health
3. Finances
4. Clutter (getting rid of it)
5. Projects (finishing stuff)

I may take some fun classes. I found a wine & chocolate pairing class at Colorado Free University that sounds fun. It shows you what wines go best with which chocolates. There’s nothing I like better than red wine and dark chocolate. Yummy, huh?

I slept decently today, almost 5 hours. Plus I’d fallen asleep on the couch for almost an hour before going to bed. Maybe I’ll get something done this afternoon.

I’ve got a bowl of black-eyed peas to eat for good luck (compliments of neighbor A), so dinner’s taken care of. Son just texted me Happy New Year. My cousin P called and left a nice message. I am truly blessed.

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